Let Your Past Shape You, Not Define You

I have said for years and truly believe that you are a product of your raising. Each experience I describe below has shaped me into the person I am today. YES our brains are wired a certain way at birth which plays a huge factor, but life experiences shape our thoughts, which then tell our brain how to react to situations. 

I’m not one for accepting or dishing out pity. I have never been and I will never be. Not to say I don’t have empathy, but everyone has had challenges that they’ve had to fight to overcome, myself included. You can stay complacent in your experiences and get stuck or you can push through them. 

There have been experiences in my life that have played a large role in who I am today. I want to open up about these experiences, both good and bad, that have shaped me into who I am today.  For better or worse, I believe they are why I can be confident being a female leader in a male-dominated industry, why I navigate my relationships the way I do, and overall just why I am the way that I am.  So here goes…

Let’s start when I was five years old. I consider this my first big “life event”. Back story: My parents got married and my mom had me when she was 18 years old. We joke that I “graduated” twice from the same high school; once in her belly and once myself. Given their age, it’s not surprising what my next sentence will be. My parents got divorced when I was five years old and my sister was three. From then until I could drive myself around, I was bounced back and forth from mom’s place to dad’s. My dad worked A LOT. Sometimes 2-3 jobs at a time and sometimes he even took us with him to work. I don’t remember everything growing up, but I will never forget how much my dad worked. From this, I think it’s pretty obvious I picked up the importance of working hard.

My mom, bless her, my sister and I were with her most of the time and she was so fun. She also had a lot of good help from my “nanny”, her mom. My nanny and “pop pop”, my grandpa, lived about a mile from my house, so we always went to their house for dinner and on the weekends to hang out. There was A LOT of family time. I didn’t realize then, but I think back now and how much my nanny contributed to my quality of life. We always had clothes, shoes, and school supplies, thanks to parents, but also my nanny. My parents provided all they had to make sure my sister and I had the best life.  

To quote Talladega Nights “two Christmases”.  I often hear people say it as a joke. It wasn’t really that fun. I remember that I could never get comfortable at my mom or my dad’s because I knew I would be leaving again soon. I think maybe that is why I am so uncomfortable with being comfortable right now in life. I need to be busy, moving and getting shit done. I know it’s something that I need to work on, but getting comfortable is risky.  You risk getting hurt. I didn’t do it when I was little and I’ve never done it since.

I also remember being super frustrated if it was my “dad’s weekend”, I had to decline any social events. I don’t remember if I did that because my parents actually said “no”, or if I just felt bad because I didn’t see my dad as much as my mom. Either way it probably got me away from some trouble I could have gotten caught up in, and for that I’m thankful. 

Regardless of the divorce situation, overall I had a good childhood. I can’t think back on any BAD moments. I had a lot of love and support from my family. My parents worked very hard to make sure my sister and I did not see them struggle, even though I know now the “struggle was real.” I particularly remember my dad telling me that I would grow up to be “better than him” – whatever that means. My mom telling me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up. I try to provide this same level of support and encouragement to those in my life today. They gave me the confidence to be who I truly wanted to be and to not settle for anything less. Confidence and Determination. 

Fast forward to when I was seven years old, my mom remarried a man that was super strict. You’d think he was a military sergeant, but he wasn’t. We just weren’t his children and, after having a child of my own, I can see how potentially difficult that was. There were two of us, too. As strict as he was, we got everything we wanted though. Just to name a few:

• skipped school to go to the State Fair (my elementary school-aged self was not happy about missing school work for this, but it was fun.) 
• circus, zoo, and festivals when we were young
• went to dinner and the movies every Friday night and got to bring as many friends as we wanted
• as many Carolina Gamecocks games as we could stand 

We know he cared for us. We were never without. We had more than we needed. 

His approach was just intense. He would often make my sister cry because of the way he talked to us. For example, my sister decided not to come home from school one day, she was attempting to run away.  She came back within three hours, but after we did our own full FBI search for her with no results, my step dad yelled at her loud enough so my nanny and pop pop a mile away could hear the roar. That day I cried. I’m not sure if it was because of how sad she was going to be after she got her punishment, or because I was so happy that she was home.  Other than that, I never let him get to me like my sister did. Perhaps for one of two reasons (or both):

1. Because I wasn’t intimidated by him 
2. Because I had to be strong for my sister 

I’m grateful for him being in my life for 20 years. He really played a huge role in raising me to do things, the right way, the first time, along with dedication to whatever you are doing, and how to be responsible. I think it’s definitely helped shape the way I work, as well as the mindsets I look for when I’m building my teams.  My mom decided he was no longer good for her and they got divorced last year. That was a difficult experience for me. I’m still not fully comfortable talking about it with either of them. 

When I was 16 years old, melanoma cancer took my nanny away. She was the most strong, independent, and successful women I knew at that age. I used to go to work with her on Friday afternoons and go to sit in on trials at the courthouse. I used to paint her nails and toes bright red because that is what she requested.  Oh, and she would tell me if I wasn’t doing a good job. You know? I probably got some of my independence and sass from her. She used to take me and my cousins to the grocery store and let us have our OWN cart full of snacks like oreos, chocolate milk, and lunchables. Every Christmas she got all the kids together to make Christmas cookies. She made childhood so fun. I’ll absolutely never forget that. I still don’t know how to put into words how lonely I feel without her. She would have been the most proud of everything I’ve accomplished – my biggest supporter, if you will.  From a young age, she has been the foundation in my life for instilling the importance of family in me and has influenced me greatly. 

Growing up, I was determined to go to college. No one in my family had graduated from college. I didn’t get any help from my parents going through all the paperwork with financial aid or signing documents for student loans. Not because they didn’t want to help, but because they just didn’t know how. They had no experience with it. I remember sitting at the computer for hours doing research to figure out how to apply for college. I had to be independent and take initiative early on.

Well…My first year of college, I failed out. I FAILED OUT OF A FOUR-YEAR UNIVERSITY MY FIRST YEAR. 

Here’s what happened. I realize I need to own and take responsibility for my choices and actions, but I had a boyfriend at the time that said he was done with school and could be successful going to a technical school, so I followed in his footsteps. What happened to the independent spirit from my nanny? Did that leave me when she left this earth? Surely not. 

We stopped going to classes and received zeros. WHAT AN IDIOT! Before failing out of college, I had a scholarship which was granted to me because of the reputation and credentials I had in high school. I lost that scholarship which meant I was going to be paying for college myself if I wanted to go back. My parents didn’t have money to give me for college, so it was my money, student loans, or I wasn’t going to college. Do you want to guess what that same university said when I asked to come back one year later? What you’re thinking is right. They said YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO BEFORE YOU COME BACK HERE. I had to work my ass off to get back in college. I forget all the hoops they made me jump through, but it was a lot of work- I do remember that. 

I HAD to graduate from college. I remember pulling large sums of my hard-earned money out of my bank account to take to the college for tuition payments. It felt good to hold $600 cash in my hand for the 30 minutes it took to get from the bank to the tuition cashier’s office. I remember thinking what a huge accomplishment graduating would be. Eventually, I got my shit together, got back into the university, and graduated with a Bachelors of Science in Business Administration. The hustle was important, but what was more important was that my sister was watching. She always was. Just like when we were younger, I had to be a good example for her. She went on to graduate from college herself and I am so proud of that. My other take away from this experience was that it’s ok to make mistakes.  They’re inevitable in life. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and to make the choice to get back on the right track. You cannot grow unless you’ve been challenged and failed. 

Whether you realize it or not, your actions are making a huge impact on the people around you. Be a good example in all things you do. 

During college and throughout high school, I ALWAYS had a job, most of the time two jobs at once. My parents didn’t hand money to me. They didn’t have it. Mostly everything I purchased was earned through my own hard work. Along with my family, I contribute my hard work ethic now to all the amazing bosses I’ve had. Each boss was a strong business man and very, very passionate about their businesses. From slinging BBQ from a truck on the weekends, to going to the YMCA to work from 4-8am before classes, to going to a restaurant and working in the kitchen six days per week in the evenings, work helped keep me stable and busy. 

Five days after graduating from college, 24-year-old me decided to get married to a guy I only knew for one year. WHAT was I thinking? Deep down I knew what I was doing. He was and still is the most supportive and caring person. We’ve been married for six years now. Of course we have our differences sometimes, but he’s stuck with me. 

One month after graduating from college and getting married, I started a job at the front desk of a roofing and restoration company called Weatherguard. I had absolutely no idea what that would develop into, but I am sure glad I made the choice. 

Life gives us choices and sometimes challenging experiences. We are in control to decide how those choices and experiences affect us. We have the choice to sit around and feel like life is working against us, or we have the choice to learn from the experiences and grow yourself from them.

Wow. While writing this, I honestly completely forgot to mention my daughter! She’s the biggest life changing experience I’ve had to-date. Birth, nursing, and keeping a human alive for 2+ years is extremely hard, yet rewarding. I likely forgot to mention her because I am in that stage of life RIGHT NOW. There is absolutely no forgetting her, though. She’s only two and we’ve already been to the hospital four times, once by ambulance with full lights and sirens. She is the most rewarding and yet frightening thing I’ve ever done. She keeps me on my toes. Raising a child and growing a multimillion dollar company at the same time almost caused me to give up something. I can’t be a good boss, wife, and mom all in one is what I thought and I’ve even said that out loud several times to my husband.  I let fear and doubt creep in. But my nanny’s independent spirit along with the many other tough-love experiences in my life, cut that thought out really quickly. Of course I have days where I struggle to juggle it all just like everyone else, but hey, that’s life, right?!

My mom gave birth to me when she was 18. I grew up in a very small town where not even a stop light exists there and you have to drive 35 minutes for groceries. My parents divorced when I was five. I am the first person in my family that graduated from college. I had some obstacles in my way, but I refused to let them prevent me from becoming successful.  If you let negative experiences define you, they will. If you learn from the negative and be intentional about growing from them, then you will.

What life experiences have shaped you the most?  What obstacles have you overcome to get where you are today, or what are you still working to achieve? Comment here or message me!